Unspoken words.

Never did I imagine that there will come a day when I will write this article. It is indeed very much true that life is uncertain and we cannot predict what is next in the store for us. Moving on with the flow of life and following the direction of its lead, I somehow feel that there is something that is left undone. A feeling of incompleteness keeps digging down to the very veins of my soul.

“Enough is enough” is what my heart whispered and continued:

“You have done enough of pretending to deceive others and your own self so that the things may seem to be doing fine all the way. But dear trust me, you are not fine that way and it is making me harder to hold it back any longer. I just want to liberate myself of the suffocation and wear off the mask of deception. Just let me pour out for once and I assure you I will be much stronger henceforth and never let you down.”

Having listened to the plea of my heart, I felt it is time I let go of my stubbornness. I clearly understand what my heart means by those lines. It has been almost five years that I have been suffocating myself with the guilt and anger battling violently in my heart. At one end guilt taunted me with perfect reasons ripping the very piece of my heart. Yet at the other end anger saves its stand stubbornly giving every reason to remain indifferent.

Not anymore now. It is extremely difficult to end each passing day with those battling thoughts before I could fall asleep. Today as the world celebrates “Friendship day”, I with all my heart and soul would like to take this opportunity and tell you what remained untold. This is to you, my only best friend (Late Sonam Lhamo):

“My dear, it has been quite a time since I last spoke with you. I hope heaven is treating you well with all the kindness you deserve. Don’t be surprised to hear me speaking today. I could not find any better day but today to speak those unspoken words with you. I know you are no longer here by my side to hear out right from my mouth. I guess I took much longer time than required for this right? But you know how strong my stubbornness is right and I am so sorry for that childish behavior of mine.

I wanted to beg forgiveness for what I have done. I am so sorry for not making myself present by your side when you needed me the most. It would be a lie if I say I know how you have felt undergoing those painful treatments because in order to understand that pain I must also be cursed by that cruel disease. Though I respect the god’s blessing for my good fortune yet I blame him for choosing you as a victim for that awful disease. There is no way I could understand the pain resulted from that disease. But I am being truly honest when I say; I know how miserable it feels when the one you trust and depend on, leave you alone. I understand the feeling of despair when there is no one to console and help you out of that excruciatingly painful situation.

I am also upset that you didn't let me know about your disease. It is only after you left that I came to learn about your situation. It left me torn apart to know that you kept it hiding from me. You didn’t even let parents say a word to me about that. I know you did that for my good. You didn’t want me to get distracted from my studies. You should have known that by being so good to me that way, you have deepened my wound. You should have known that your friend is not so weak in balancing responsibility towards relationship and determination towards goal. I think now you are clear what took me so long right dear?

There is not a single day that ends without missing you. You were the only one I could trust to share my secrets. You were the only one I could lean on. It is only with you that I could be all myself. You know very well that I am one of those who tend to be silent most of the time except for the time I am with you. Now that you have left my side I don’t know how to speak merrily with others and I doubt I may go mute if I keep going that way. But don’t trouble yourself worry about that, I assure you I have grown up to be strong enough to handle the situations quite well.

Dear I think I have said enough now but the last thing “HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY” to you my best friend. You have always been and will always be my best friend forever.  

I Forgive You

I forgive you, not because you deserve forgiveness

I do because I don’t deserve to be soaked up in sorrows.

I forgive you, not because I owe you love and affection

I do because I owe myself sympathy and compassion.

I forgive you, not because you promised to change

I do because I promised to move on in new direction.

I forgive you, not because you are speaking the truth

I do because I cannot lie to my innocent soul any further.

I forgive you, not because I have a generous heart

I do because I don’t want hatred to fill my heart.

I forgive you, not because you ought to liberate your guilt

I do because I ought to uncage my thoughts.

I forgive you, not because I accepted your justification

I do because I am tired with those excuses of yours.

So have the privilege of obtaining my forgiveness for I want to set my soul free from your thoughts.

A Fighter Within You

Nothing is more torturous than living a life marked with failure when success is all that surrounds the people around you. Nothing can become more cumbersome than lifting a head weighted heavily with guilt. Nothing can be more tormenting than seeing the dying hopes and expectations of your parents. It is during this point of time when life seems to be awfully unfair and luck a complete betrayal. Sometimes it becomes unbearably difficult to get the grip of happenings in our life.

I know how hard it is for you to cope up with your current situation. The suffocation you feel with each passing day is out of control. I can see how shattered and blown up your lighted spirit is. I understand how lonely you may feel amid the noisy crowd surrounding you. Your sleepless night and lifeless days needs no explanation for I get it all.

I feel sorry for you to have to go through such phase of life. The tidal waves of anguish are so vivid in the ocean of your eyes. I am so helpless but to offer nothing more than following lines:

“Dear, I know you have been through a lot lately. Everything that is happening does not mean an end of your story; it is just a cruelest chapter in the book of your life. So close that chapter and open a fresh page to write your happy endings. You should understand that, however long and dark may be the night, a beautiful and hopeful dawn always shows up to mark the start of a day. Nothing in life is permanent so don’t worry there is going to be an end to this misery of yours too.

I am aware there is a fighter buried deep down within your soul. So it is time to awaken that fighter of yours and battle through this unpleasant situation. Come out stronger than before and show that such trivial failure cannot hold you back from achieving much greater success. Work harder for your dreams and hopes of your parents. Do not give a chance for others to point a finger and mock at you rather let them back down with your will power and determination.

Be the changed guy and a reason for a smile on the face of your beloved ones. Just remember that God gives the toughest battle to his strongest warrior, and I am confident that victory will stand by your side at the end of this battle.”

You Are..

This little piece is dedicated to my kind and supportive friend. Your friendship is the precious gift in my life and I am truly indebted to you for that. I am truly blessed to have you as my friend though I call you rival by name….(hehe.). I hope you will like it and I justified the bond of friendship that we share…J

You are so kind in saving me from boredom.

You are immensely generous in offering your hands for my help.

You are obviously funny teasing me in order to cheer up my mood.

You are such a good soul in understanding the sorrows behind my faked smile.

You are a true rescuer saving me from drowning into ocean of depression.

You are the best companion in driving away my loneliness.

You are a stubborn debater in rendering suggestions for my good.

You are blissfully ignorant in avoiding my taunts and harsh behavior.

You are the chilling breeze in cooling down my anger and frustrations

.

You are the strongest support I could lean on and confide my trust.

You are my perfect rival with whom I never get tired arguing merrily.

Cookies in place of Cake

“I feel like eating cake” said Dema, five minutes after a plate full of delicious lunch. “Lets us try baking the cake tonight then” was my immediate response. So was the plan for the night set still amazed at the thought of cake after having stuffed ourselves with lunch.

We went shopping for the necessary ingredients required for a perfect cake. I felt something missing when we got back from the shop. I checked the items and found that we forgot the most important ingredient, “Milk”. “God how could I forget that” was what I grumbled to myself. As there is always another option, an idea clicked in my head. So I boiled water with very good amount of milk powder and there was my milk for the cake (giggling…J).

Finally we were successful in making a batter ready to be baked. After placing the batter in oven, we went to watch TV. Both of us became so involved and carried away by the suspense and thriller going on in our favourite TV show “Ek Hassena Thi” that the cake went completely out of our mind.

After a while cake made its own way to my preoccupied mind when I sensed buttery smell coming all the way from the kitchen. To my dismay I found that I forgot to lower down the temperature of the oven and our cake has been over baked. When we sat down to taste that over baked cake, I noticed we needed a coffee to help chew the so called cake. That piece was too crispy to be called a cake so we discovered we actually baked a cookie instead of cake….

Seasons

Beautiful flowers stealing everyone’s attention

Newly blossomed bud adding freshness to air

Comes the Spring starting the year with determination

Nourishing with energy to fulfill what we aspire.

Green and Juicy defines this season

Summer, the richest part of the year

Brings with it the energy of reason

To live and let others live with fare.

Autumn comes with maturity

The season of harvest and fall

As we see the loss of leaves with certainty

We do earn the ripeness of fruits in full.

The air filled with calmness and simplicity

Sky decorated with natural architect of all

Filled with chillness and mildness in vicinity

Winter, a season gifted with beauty of snowfall.

My Heart Already Felt

Something was unusual that day, a strange feeling of emptiness in my heart. People around me seem to be really cheerful with excitement and were running here and there with their luggage. It was the most awaited vacation time, 29^th November 2009, first vacation after joining college. Having struggled for four months in first semester, it was the time for a little bit of relaxation. Though it was a moment to be happy yet deep inside my heart there was uneasiness. It was not that I didn’t do my papers well, I did satisfactorily well in all the modules. There was something that bothered me the whole time. Something I myself could not understand, something I didn’t have the answer for.

We were in a vehicle on our way home and there I stood lost in an unknown anxiety by the window seat. It seemed to me that something has been taken away from my life. I could sense that something was not right. My friend noticed the change in my behavior and asked what is wrong. I wished I could answer that question with honesty but only thing I could say was “No big deal just a  motion sickness”.

The vehicle halted for lunch and we went to the regular restaurant. Even the lunch was tasteless or maybe my taste buds are refusing to send the message to my brain. Now that was weird as I have always been a kind of person who used to enjoy everything on my plate. Back again by the window seat with ear phone in my ears continued my bizarre journey. With the music plugged in my ears, I was struggling to understand the reason of my discomfort rather than the lyrics.

Finally at 7:45 pm, came the end of my journey but still was I as confused as ever. At home my family was waiting for me impatiently, especially my little brother who ordered me to bring him his favorite Play station CD.  I freshened up and went downstairs where my family was watching news on BBS. Like any other parents, they asked me about my journey, exam and life at college.

After dinner, I was back in my room unpacking my stuffs when I heard a knock on my door. It was kinley my little brother, and knowing the reason why he came, I handed him with the CD. He was about to go when suddenly he turned around and said “Azhim Sonam passed away last week”. In the next minute I was before my mother as pale as ever, filled with unlimited questions. My mother as always knew my unspoken words and told me everything.

Sonam, my only best friend since childhood had been suffering from kidney failure since last two years. She was hospitalized three months ago and was undergoing dialysis and treatment, when finally she died last week. I could feel the tears blinding my eyes, my heart racing and legs trembling terribly making it unbearable to stand. The heaviness in my heart has exceeded its bar past my tolerance and there came my tears like an outburst of heavy rain.

Everything seemed clear now, I sensed the confusion inside me untangling vividly. All my anxiety, discomfort and bizarreness were because my heart already felt the lost of my best friend. So it is true that sometimes a hearts sees and hears beyond what eyes and ears can do. The very next day I was at Sonam’s house before her parents offering my sincere condolence.