Friday, August 1, 2014

Unspoken words.

Never did I imagine that there will come a day when I will write this article. It is indeed very much true that life is uncertain and we cannot predict what is next in the store for us. Moving on with the flow of life and following the direction of its lead, I somehow feel that there is something that is left undone. A feeling of incompleteness keeps digging down to the very veins of my soul.
“Enough is enough” is what my heart whispered and continued:

You have done enough of pretending to deceive others and your own self so that the things may seem to be doing fine all the way. But dear trust me, you are not fine that way and it is making me harder to hold it back any longer. I just want to liberate myself of the suffocation and wear off the mask of deception. Just let me pour out for once and I assure you I will be much stronger henceforth and never let you down.”

Having listened to the plea of my heart, I felt it is time I let go of my stubbornness. I clearly understand what my heart means by those lines. It has been almost five years that I have been suffocating myself with the guilt and anger battling violently in my heart. At one end guilt taunted me with perfect reasons ripping the very piece of my heart. Yet at the other end anger saves its stand stubbornly giving every reason to remain indifferent.

Not anymore now. It is extremely difficult to end each passing day with those battling thoughts before I could fall asleep. Today as the world celebrates “Friendship day”, I with all my heart and soul would like to take this opportunity and tell you what remained untold. This is to you, my only best friend (Late Sonam Lhamo):

“My dear, it has been quite a time since I last spoke with you. I hope heaven is treating you well with all the kindness you deserve. Don’t be surprised to hear me speaking today. I could not find any better day but today to speak those unspoken words with you. I know you are no longer here by my side to hear out right from my mouth. I guess I took much longer time than required for this right? But you know how strong my stubbornness is right and I am so sorry for that childish behavior of mine.

I wanted to beg forgiveness for what I have done. I am so sorry for not making myself present by your side when you needed me the most. It would be a lie if I say I know how you have felt undergoing those painful treatments because in order to understand that pain I must also be cursed by that cruel disease. Though I respect the god’s blessing for my good fortune yet I blame him for choosing you as a victim for that awful disease. There is no way I could understand the pain resulted from that disease. But I am being truly honest when I say; I know how miserable it feels when the one you trust and depend on, leave you alone. I understand the feeling of despair when there is no one to console and help you out of that excruciatingly painful situation.

I am also upset that you didn't let me know about your disease. It is only after you left that I came to learn about your situation. It left me torn apart to know that you kept it hiding from me. You didn’t even let parents say a word to me about that. I know you did that for my good. You didn’t want me to get distracted from my studies. You should have known that by being so good to me that way, you have deepened my wound. You should have known that your friend is not so weak in balancing responsibility towards relationship and determination towards goal. I think now you are clear what took me so long right dear?

There is not a single day that ends without missing you. You were the only one I could trust to share my secrets. You were the only one I could lean on. It is only with you that I could be all myself. You know very well that I am one of those who tend to be silent most of the time except for the time I am with you. Now that you have left my side I don’t know how to speak merrily with others and I doubt I may go mute if I keep going that way. But don’t trouble yourself worry about that, I assure you I have grown up to be strong enough to handle the situations quite well.

Dear I think I have said enough now but the last thing “HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY” to you my best friend. You have always been and will always be my best friend forever.  

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